Jersey Shore: Free Snooki!

Once again, complete chaos from start to finish- which is highly normal for this show (and the reason why we all love to watch it!). Let's start with my unfavorite gruesome twosome, I'll make it quick because I hate giving them more mind than necessary. Sammi goes and follows Ronnie and tells him she ruined her friendship with the girls for him... uuhhh no shit, you did and over RONNIE nonetheless!! Ok that was it (for now sadly).

Snooki is drunkie as per usual and what would Snooki do while drunk? Well, the true question is what wouldn't she do while drunk as we will soon find out. Anyway, bitch eats a raw potato. Yes a raw potato!!! And says it's not that bad. She must be eating crazy stuff if she thinks raw potato isn't bad. Anyway, she quickly runs up to Vinny and wants to play with "Seabiscuit" no not the horse his dingaling! I mean I guess she is really doing him a huge favor by saying he is hung. Anyway, she is pretty much begging the kid and he is refusing to do her. She later says, "I wish he would stop caring and just fuck me". Wrong message to send out there woman, wrong, mucho bad!!! Anyway she and Deena decide to strike a threesome proposal to Stitch. I love it because Stitch obviously, like most men, has obviously fantasized about being in a threesome with 2 women just not Deena and Snooki but he'll take it. As they go to the room Snooki gets up and leaves Dee and Sitch together (we all know Dee wants to hook-up badly with Sitch) but Sitch wants nothing to do with it so he pulls a Kitchen Ditchen. This is a new Joyzee idiom meaning to ditch a girl by going to eat/hide in the kitchen. Awesome! Poor Dee, honey he doesn't want to bone you and Sitch will bone anyone!

Next day Snook and Pauly do GTL. Surprising I know because Snook doesn't G. As obvious by her lack of coordination on the ladder machine thingy-ma-bob. Once back at home, Snooki has an itchy butt. I guess the lotion she smeared on herself counteracts with her hoochie tooshie. So like any normal human being, what does she do, she sits in the small fridge in her room. And drinks it up... Snook has a drinking problem as it will be highly apparent later on in this episode.

Anyway, back to the gruesome twosome drama... Sammi confronts Ronnie to tell her everything because she knows it all now. What exactly does she know? She can't even answer it because there is nothing to uncover. She is trying to trick Ronnie into confessing something by tell him she knows. Now, Sammi sweetheart, we know that Ronnie has the brain capacity of a 5 year old but just because he does, does not mean he is going to confess as easily as a 5 year old would about eating a cookie. So here again I come to my favorite quote of the episode and it comes from Ronnie, "I need a mind condom because I'm getting mind fucked right now". So eloquently said. Anyway, like the punk Ronnie is (as provided by his nipple ring) he is crying. In a time like this we need some Mike philosophy, which I will agree with (shocker, I know) and it is all Sam and her insecurities and Ronnie hasn't done anything wrong since Miami and if she is that insecure then they should break up and just give her time to grow as a woman. I know... it was deep and completely right.

So what's the next move? Of course apologize to your only possible ally in the house, Snooki. And where would be the most appropriate place to do this heart to heart in the employee back room. And poor Pauly was in the middle of this. As a woman I know how gooey a girl talk can be and no man should sit there and experience that. Sammi also followed with Deena in the apology apartment. And all is well in Girl Land awwwww (except for  "her" and we know who the her is).

Party time!!! Deena vowed not to drink before she left and within 3 minutes of the segment Dee is on top of a table dancing, falling and her Nana all out. In come bouncers and she is kicked out of club. The boys are doing their thing UNTIL Pauly spots The Israeli Stalker from last summer!!!! So as Pauly tries to run away, some fat ugly dude comes up to them to offer them a shot and they decline and theeenn BOOM! Danielle (The Israeli Stalker from last summer) throws a drink in Paulys' face! What does a man do in a situation like that, of course call for the bouncers to kick her out. Real tough Pauly, real tough! The annoying two are drunkie and being lovely dovey UGH! I want it to stop now!!! Vin and Pauly come back with girls. Vin gets it in and Pauly gets nothing but snuggling too bad! Ronnie decides to grill 50lbs of turkey burgers because they all froze together. Not entirely smart! Regardless we get back to the old Ronnie and his two laughs as Vinny puts it. The first is his little girl laugh and the other is his dolphin on steroids laugh. Yes! It sounds just like he's on roids.

Here is where the good stuff begins, Snook is mad hung over and going to work with Vin and Ron. Snooki is sneaking away to the back at 10:30am to have beers! She goes to get "coffee" but instead starts having shots with random people on the boardwalk and eating. After work she goes back to the bar and has shots. At this point she is completely in her own world. Luckily Jwoww and Deena run into her at the bar. Then all of a sudden Snook darts to find the beach. Now we've all seen this part and she runs to the beach, falls on her face, gets carried away by the cops and eventually arrested. Once back at the house when the girls tell the rest of the housemates that she got arrested Jwoww obviously calls Snooki's dad. But doesn't know exactly what to call what just happened to Snooki so the best she and Deena came up with was "drunken public intoxication". So when she calls Snooki's dad she says this is Jwoww. Really? Jwoww you couldn't say Hi Mr. Polizzi this is Jenni, you had to say Jwoww!! Aaaannnd end scene.

Yes, she was able to pose for it!  

Mug shot

Kim and Kourtney take New York: Uh Oh!

Kim and Kourtney have left plushy LA and come to the hard hitting streets of NY to open up a new Dash store. So we got a single and horny Kim, a relationship burdened Kourtney, baby daddy Scott and baby Mason that land in a nice penthouse apartment in Soho. Scott of course is living down the hall in his own suite, which I think is pretty pointless because we know they will be living together anyway. But of course they "can't rush into it" again. Kourt you should have dropped that loser a long time ago.

Anyway, K&K hit a bar/lounge their first night in NY. Kourt like a total bore she is, bounces as soon as Kim's friend arrives. Kim and friend are a little man crazed and see someone Kim knows. Friend invites the boys over and they chat. Number gets jotted and Kim refuses to call him because she never calls a guy. Kourt back at home cuddles with Scott and "passes out". In the morning, Kim says to Scott he got there early and Kourt confirms he slept over all scared like if she was explaining to her mother why her boyfriend stayed over. Kim gets jealous. Later on while the girls "work-out" (which might I add consisted of lifting two 2 lb dumbbells a total of 5 times, and you are trying to convince me you have that body by doing that nah ah sister, nah-ah) Kourt tells Kim that Scott should just move in with them. Kim doesn't agree and gets a little jealous because she thought this would be the time where they would bond again. So sad. Frustrated Kim does the unthinkable, calls the guy out on a date. Gasp!

At the date, Kim is super awkward and shy. The guy is mad touchy feely (turn off guys, turn off!) which makes it even worse. They toast and Kim doesn't lock eyes with him which apparently means you'll have seven years of bad sex. That's news to me and forever will lock eyes now! She takes this guy back to her place to show him the "view". No really he went to see the view. He tried kissing her and she pushed him away. Re-jected!! It made me uncomfortable to even watch it.

The girls go to the space where they are opening the store and the designer comes in and proposes a layout to the store. And during a meeting like this who would you expect to be there, of course Kayne West! HUH?! Mad random! I wonder what the designer though when he came in. I mean totally out of left field. Anyway, they have 2 weeks to build the store which happens in next weeks episode.

This season seems promising with the classic Kardashian drama: Scott gets into a fight, Kourt can't handle him, store isn't doing well, Kim is lonely, Kris (the madre) comes and stirs stuff up, betrayal and of course general wackiness. I just love how Kim came to NY to find love, uummm this is NY, where men are as scarce as cab on New Year's Eve. This is definitely the wrong city to try to find love.

Top Chef: Restaurant Wars

The reemergence of "The Black Hammer" shows its head again during All Stars. For those who aren't familiar with "The Black Hammer" that's Antonia and she got her nickname during her season of Top Chef because every time she worked in a group challenge someone is her team has gone home. Every single time. Coincidence? I think not. So the Cheftestants try not to really pair up with her because of the bad luck she brings to her teammates. Also one of the reasons that the last 2 remaining ladies won't room with Antonia. Very good thinking Carla and Tiffany. Girl Power!

The chefs instead of going to the kitchen they go to Le Bernardin, one of only five restaurants in New York City with three Michelin stars and the head chef is none other than my sexy chef fantasy Eric Rupert! When they arrive they are greeted by Anthony Bourdain...?? Where's Padma? Why did she get the morning off? And where is Eric Rupert?? Sad. Next to Anthony is Justo Thomas the head fish butcher of Le Bernardin also important to note is that Le Bernardin is the top seafood restaurant in the country. Apparently Justo can butcher 1,000 lbs of fish in 6 hours. Damn he's fast! And when he shows the chefs how he butchers it he leaves no piece of meat on the bones. So of course the Quick Fire Challenge is to fillet 2 fish in perfect portions and without leaving much meat on the bones in 10 minutes. Some like Carla and Antonia struggle with the challenge and Fabio cuts himself between his thumb nail but he takes it like a man (unlike Jaime) and just works with it. Top four are Marcel, Mike, Dale and Richard so the second part of the challenge is to make a meal in 45 minutes with the fish scraps like the head, tail and rack. Dale wins the challenge and gets immunity. Bourdain asks the chefs to return to their kitchen.

Once back at the Top Chef Kitchen, Padma is there with bad ass sexy french chef Ludo (also part of the fantasy). Ludo as we know was in Top Chef Masters and was a bad ass chef (part of his appeal) cursing people out but then again how do we know, his french accent is so thick we needed subtitles (also part of his charm). We discover its Restaurant Wars and they have to do a Pop-Up Restaurant. Pop-Up Restaurants are restaurants that literally pop-up in random locations for a selected amount of time perhaps a day or two months and apparently Ludo does this on the west coast all the time so that's why he is the guest judge. Also importantly to note for the first time in Top Chef history the diners will be voting on the winning restaurant not the judges. Which is awesome because the chefs really get to cook for the customers and not the judges. Also importantly as the winner of the Quick Fire Challenge, Dale is one of the team leaders and he gets to pick the other team leader and smartly he picked Marcel because seriously who wants to work with Marcel (well other than Marcel!), no one.

Team Dale includes Richard, Tre, Fabio and Carla meanwhile Team Marcel includes Angelo, Antonia, Mike and Tiffany. Right off the bat Marcel has no control of his team, well because no one respects him! He has no idea how to adequately address his teammates without sounding like a douche. Meanwhile on Dale's team there is complete team harmony and they are bouncing ideas off each other without a problem. That night the restaurant is better conceptualized for Dale's team. They are opening Bodega (Deli in Dominican) and they are serving upscale bodega food. Marcel's team is not happening, Marcel is being an ass again and people are getting impatient eventually deciding things without his complete consent like the restaurant name Etch, instead of Medi how he had wanted (Medi because they are cooking Mediterranean food, wackish but so is Etch).

The day of, they have five hours to prep before the diners arrive. Again Bodega complete harmony everyone knows what they have to do no problem. Team Etch chaos, screaming blah. Marcel is such an ass he is telling Tiffany how she needs to boil and peel her eggs. I mean seriously a toddler is aware of the boiling process of eggs! Regardless, Tiffany is now behind and doesn't really have time to work front of the house until the very end. Bodega obviously picked Fabio to work front of the house especially if the diners are voting- smart move! Once service starts, Bodega all of a sudden gets stressed out and by that I mean Dale gets stressed out and starts cursing out the servers and Fabio has to go in there and calm him done. Dale man, unnecessary, you were able to control your short fuze by not punching Marcel in the face last episode I think the servers are the least of your worries. But other than that misstep Bodega has a pretty awesome service, food looked good and innovative, and Fabio did excellent in his charming ways directing the servers and schmoozing the diners by kissing the ladies on the hand as they were leaving (again, where the hell was I this summer?!??!!!). Meanwhile Etch, was having a horrible service, food was coming back because things were underdone, cold and late to send out food. Tiffany was also having a horrible time at the front of the house, the waiters had no idea where food was going because of the lack of direction. Equally as annoying was Tiffany's fake high pitch talk! She was talking to the diners in this valley girl kind of voice and was loud and laughing above all the diners. I was really put off- I want my black girl from Texas, where she at??? M!!

At the end of service Padma calls in Etch first to the Judges Table (Richard starts freaking out as per usual because he it notoriously known for being very suspicious about everything) and usually its the winning the team that goes in first and they sort of are smiling thinking they won but quickly turn those smiles into frowns when they discover they lost. The loss was so bad only 17/76 diners voted in favor of Etch, HORRIBLE!! As soon they were confronted, Marcel was getting all ghetto waving his arms in the air and stomping like a gorilla! Mike was getting guido on his ass too, it was beautiful.

I'd like to take this time to update you all on the bromance between Fabio and Richard. During the service Richard had asked Fabio what were the diners response to the food and Fabio responded well and Richard replies, "Don't lie to me." and Fabio sort of gestures to him 'like me' and says, "Richie, it's me'. Awww Richie, Fabio won't lie to you! Also during the waiting period while Etch was with the judges Richie looks at Fabio and says, "Ok man I need you to come talk to me now" and Fabio goes and sits on his lap and tries to comfort him. AWWWWWWW love! Then when they reveal that they in fact won, Fabio held Richard's head in his hands and looks at him like 'see baby I told you everything was going to be OK' AWWWWWWW LOVE!!! I can't wait to see the progression of this bromance. I'm a little jealous.

At judges table the team was praised by the judges and Richard wins the elimination and 10Gs(!). The losing team comes out and thankfully douche Marcel leaves. The Black Hammer has struck again!

Next week sneak peak was a little confusing, is it a godfather challenge???

Jersey Shore ep.2- Huh?!?

So the start of the second episode of the Shoar starts where it ended off, cat fight between Sammi and Jwoww. Enter from stage right and left, the Bodyguards... wait, what? They have big gorilla club bouncer bodyguards?? In their house?? The first night they arrive??? Seriously??? Holy crap! My brain is completely amazed that this is fo'realzies! This clearly shows that they are such fighters that they need bodyguards on call 24/7. The bodyguards pull the girls off of each other with the help of Vinny while the rest of the boys including Sammi's boyfriend Ronnie are sitting on the couch. Ron, Mike and Pauly act like this is a PayPerView fight that they just ordered for the night! Sammi walks away with Jenni's extensions and drops it on the floor like victory. I don't know who really won that fight but I'm going with Jwoww because she was able to dodge a punch and then pound the shit out of Sammi, plus she looked cooler doing it. Then Sammi gets at it with Snooki again about she was a bad friend blah, blah, blah. Eventually Sammi sits out on the porch with Ronnie and just takes a look at her and goes, "You look good". Really, asshole!? I just got into a fight because of you and you just tell me I look alright??? Total douche move!

So then of course Snooki in all her snookiness decides to get into a suitcase, just because. If you are wondering, yes she fits and yes that's probably how she smuggled herself into this country. -->

The next morning, Situation woke up with the gruesome twosome in his room and extended the olive branch and said to just forget what happened last night because at the end of the day they are all a family. Ronnie quickly shut him up by saying, "Enough with the family bullshit". Bad move Ron-Ron because if there is anyone is that house that can finagle something it would be him. So all the boys plus Ronnie's shadow (Sammi of course) go to GTL (gym, tan, laundry for those who are new to the Shoarisms). Sammi looks bored out of her ass at the gym, barely doing anything and pretty much just watching and following her leader. Deena appropriately named her "The Backpack". Is she like Dora the Explorers backpack that carries cool stuff like maps...?

Anyway back at the house, Vin and Pauly are tossing a ball and ask Deena what real boobs are made of and she answers, "I don't know, boob fat." Pauly responds, "I thought milk." Deena answers, "No I think that's only when you're pregnant." Ummmm yah think!!!! I mean what more can I say about that... seriously.

As characteristically of the summer, the night comes out late, slowly crawls onto the sky and the guidos come out to fist pump. We get the first call of Pauly's "Cabs ah hea!" Love! Except Vinny comes out with a crappy ass nursery rhyme sounding "T-shirt time, t-shirt time, come on everybody, its t-shirt time" Uh no! And of course they (they meaning everyone but the gruesome twosome) go to the boardwalks only club it seems, Karma. The boys go out to find who is DTF (Shoarism meaning Down To Fuck) or as Vinny so lovingly puts it, "Going on a hog hunt". Hmmm, didn't know you were DTF a pig. But now we know how you like your women, not like we didn't know. Vinny gets a stalker who literally follows him everywhere he was going. I mean girl you didn't get the hint when walked away the first 5 times and when he yelled at you? Sad. Anyway somehow Vinny and Sitch (Shoarism meaning a nickname to the nickname Situation who is also Mike) finagle a girl to come home and have a threesome... really?! But Vinny quickly (and smartly) takes her into the guest room and locks the door preventing Mike to go in. Good thing because really dude you want Mike's balls to rub on you?? No! Mike goes to the kitchen to make himself something and Deena offers herself again to Mike and he was like "ha ha no I got my PB&J sangwitch". Burn! Jwoww makes a drunkie call to her boyfriend Tom where he reminds her it's their anniversary and she forgot it. Jwoww to the dog house! You can tell who is invested in that relationship!

Morning creeps its ugly head and Ronnie and Sammi decide to wake up early and go to church. Huh?!? Wait, what?!?!?! That can't be right!! Oh yes children be scared they went to church to "release some sins"... By releasing some sins does Sammi mean jumping into a pool of holy water and coming out a skeleton? I can almost guarantee they sizzled a little when they were in church. Oh and I almost forgot to mention, the most appropriate thing to wear to church is obviously sweats (!). This was one of many stops for the pair in which they decided to take the big car (the escalade provided to them by the producers to transport all of them in one ride), all day and not tell anyone where they went.

The gang wakes up and Deena is first up and ready to go with all the energy in the world. Snooki said of Deena, "She's like the energizer bunny, except her batteries don't run out". Ummm... yes Snooki that's the point of the energizer bunny, for its batteries not to die, that's why it keeps going and going and... yeah she didn't quite catch that. Never mind.

Sunday dinner comes around that evening and Sitch makes dinner with the "help" of Deena. It's apparent that she only has stepped in the kitchen to eat. That poor girl has no idea what she is doing in there! Also during the preparation of Sunday dinner comes my favorite, oh so favorite, new word from Pauly when he says they are having "fillet mig-non", yes that's correct he said mig-non instead of mignon. Oh lord must have patience. Regardless, the twosome miss Sunday dinner! GASP! Yes, slap in the face! No one has every missed Sunday dinner!! Aaaaahhhhh shit, it's on!!!! But when they arrive nothing really happens except Sammi saying she doesn't care about missing Sunday dinner... blagh!

This summer just like last, the cast needs to work at the "T-shirt Store" to make the dough for the vodka and bling. First thing that I noticed was the amount of shirts that are about the Shoar. I notice these wonderful artifacts...

When they start their shift the next day, Mike bails and doesn't work (surprise) leaving Vinny and Deena at the store. Meanwhile, there are huge crowds outside the store! But then again nothing fun. It is work after all!

Sammi has no fun without Ron. wah!

That night the groups decides to go on the boardwalk and go on some rides. The Situation tries to give Ronnie a little talk about how he shouldn't separate himself from the gang blah, blah, blah and who do you think immediately opens the door to overhear their conversation, SAMMI! I mean hello!, this woman is in fact this man's shadow! Fucker can't fart without her being right there to smell it! When Sammi realizes that the whole gang is going to the boardwalk, she decides to not participate and not have fun. Please show me something new! She is a complete sour puss the entire time and tries to bring down Ronnie but he is trying to have a fun time. So Ronnie gets a little frustrated and she reminds him that this is starting to be like Miami... do you mean the part where he played your ass so bad or the part where you wag your tail behind your owner for attention or is it the part where you have no friends? Too many doubts, she should have been more clear.

And here the episode ends again with drama from the pair. But next week is a double episode YAY! And we don't have to wake long for Jwoww to break up with Tom, Snooki to get arrested and more drama from the annoying two (I can seriously skip that part).

Top Chef: Gone Fishin'

This week's episode starts in complete disbelief by all the Cheftestants that Casey is gone and Jaime is still there. Jaime herself in her arrogant way said it was going to either be her or Casey and it might as well been Casey. UGH! Also within the first four minutes of the show we get a drunkie argument between Marcel and Dale T. Marcel drunkingly rants about how during the Dim Sum challenge Dale only plated 8 dishes for the judges and didn't serve the actual diners. At least that's what I grasped. It was very difficult to try to understand him with his arms flailing in the air and him talking all ghetto all of a sudden. Now for those who know Dale from season 5 and when he was on Top Chef Masters, Dale has a very bad temper. Always going off and just causing fights. But this time around we saw a very quite and submissive Dale who just walked away. Good for Dale that he controlled his anger but bad because Marcel needs to get punched in the face real bad!

Anyway, the crew is scheduled to wake up at 4:30 am and go to the kitchen and Padma is a no show. Instead a note is left that tells them they are going to Montauk. Montauk from the city is about a 4 hour drive, now we get why they woke up so early. Once they arrive, they discover that there is no Quickfire Challenge, instead they have five hours to catch as much fish as they can and cook it at a beach setting for 200 people. So basically they have to cook their catch. If they don't catch anything, they might as well back their bags. Also, this is a double elimination challenge. I have a little theory as to why they are having so many double eliminations, I think when it gets down to the wire they will have all the chefs that got eliminated back to try to win a fourth place seat in the finale. But only time will tell if I'm right. Point is the group is divided in 4 teams of 3. Team 1 is Dale, Carla and Tre, Team 2 is Mike, Angelo, and Tiffany D, Team 3 is Antonia, Jaime and Tiffany F and Team 4 is Marcel, Fabio and Richard. Evens on one boat, odd on the other. The even teams boat gets a catch within seconds of putting down their bait and begin to catch fish like crazy! Meanwhile 2 1/2 hours later for the odd teams boat and they still haven't had a catch and everyone begins to worry! Finally with 2 hours left they get a bite and the flow of fish begin to pour in.

I have to say this episode began to show the budding bromance of two of my favorite people Fabio and Richard. They hang out all the time and now cook together. Antonia said it was like the Professor and the strange Italian immigrant. Can't wait to see that magic unfold. Oh love!

The next day they cook at Water Taxi, L.I.C., NY (which frustrates me because that's a hop and a skip away from where I live and I wasn't there, what the hell was I doing this summer?!?!?! I could have been there!!!) and of course our favorite whiner is bitching and moaning. Everyone has had about enough of it too. Tre said, "It's like a baby crying in the background" I hear your pain. Team Boys (Fabio, Marcel and Richard) decide to do one dish that way the judges won't be able to decide who to send home (good strategy) meanwhile the other teams do individual dishes that way each person is responsible for their dish. So a big part of the challenge was to schmooze the crowd and all the chefs seemed to do a good job at that. Of course Carla and Fabio excelled at it. But it also gave the diners a chance to catch up with their favorite cheftestants. (WHERE WAS I?!?!)

During Judges Table, Carla, and Dale are runners for the win. Dale with his fish tacos that looked damn good and Carla with her lettuce wrap that also looked pretty good. Carla wins the challenge AND a flippin' trip to Amsterdam! Damn the prizes are getting good, good thing Hilton Hotels is a sponsor! So that means that Team Ladies and Team Boys were on the bottom. Poor Antonia was told that had it not been for her two teammates (Tiffany F and Jaime) she would have had the winning dish (and a trip to Amsterdam!) but in the end the loser two Tiff and Jaime had to leave. Thank god! I love how Jaimes' last lines of Top Chef were like, "I'm sad I didn't get to plate 2 dishes and the 1 dish I liked the judges didn't like but oh well". Ummm, yeah right you're sad! You are happy you got lucky! Had Tiffany done a good dish, you would have scathed through another elimination. The worst part was she actually liked the dish she got eliminated for, water cucumber whatever, something she wanted to look like a broth, because that's all she knows how to do, soups and scallops!

Can't wait for next week, RESTAURANT WARS!!!!

Top Chef: Chinatown Meltdown

This is what has happened on Top Chef for about a month that I haven't been blogging about it:
Week 1: All the cool kids come back with some assholes (Marcel) and Elia gets eliminated first and twice for the same bad dish (no bueno!)
Week 2: Joe Jonas shows up for a kiddie meal (OMG JOE!!!) challenge at the Museum of Natural History, Jamie cuts her fingers and "needs stitches", leaves her teammate Jen (whom I love) to do all the work. While facing the Judges Jen throws down a fight (bueno) and eventually gets eliminated (no bueno!)
Week 3: Chefs go to several NY restaurants and make a dish inspired by the house Chef. Dale L and Stephen get the boot (bueno!).
Week 4: The elimination challenge is at the US Open going head to head with the other team in rounds. Jamie has undercooked beans, refuses to plate up and team loses without having to show her plate to the judges meaning she's not up for elimination. Angelo goes back to his old ways of meddling into people's plates, the victim this time is Spike. Spike gets eliminated (sort of bueno).

So now here we are up to date with week 5...

For the shows 100th episode we get a special treat from Head Judge Tom Colicchio where he  participates in the Quickfire challenge which is basically to make a dish in under the time it takes Tom to make a dish. Sounds good except Tom is a speed demon and does a delightful dish in 8 minutes and 37 seconds. In the rules, Tom emphasizes that the difficulty of the dish will be taken into consideration and a crudo dish (raw dish) will not be considered difficult. Makes sense, except to Angelo because he makes a crudo dish and says he figured he would make a decedent dish to compensate. I'm sorry foam on a crudo dish does not make it decedent. Mike Isabella wins the challenge and a Toyota Prius (Well, well aren't we getting fancy with our prizes?).

The Elimination Challenge is to make Dim Sum for hungry restaurant goers in Chinatown. Now for those who aren't aware Dim Sum is sort of like Chinese Tapas, little hors d'oeuvre being pushed around in a cart and people just pick it off the cart and eat it. In the challenge the group is working as one team with someone expediting the food and 2 people pushing the carts in the dining hall.So the gang goes to a Chinatown market and everything is in Chinese and no one speaks English (Welcome to New York!). Once they get to the kitchen they realize that they are not used to working "in a kitchen like that", you mean a normal kitchen without all the fancy high end stuff, yeah. Hell broke loose immediately! Not only that but there was no organization. When it came time to send out food, there was little to no food being sent out. The problem: the chefs weren't cooking for their diners. The dishes that they were sending out wasn't real Dim Sum, it was dumplings with fusion sauce! I mean seriously, that's why it took so long for them to send out food. Everyone was so meticulous with the drops on their plate, the sauce being spooned properly, the beef being at a 30 degree angle, and the sprig of mint carefully being placed in the center. It's Dim Sum in Chinatown!!!!! It got to the point where diners were just grabbing plates off the carts and people fighting over food. It was just one hot mess! My favorite quote came from Carla when Tom came to intervene in the kitchen, "When you see your daddy where you're not suppose to, you know you're in trouble". Who's your daddy Carla?

Honestly, I have no idea how the judges were going to eliminate people. It was just a bad dinner service over all. I think the only 2 people that actually stuck out on the positive side was Dale T. and (I hate to say it) Angelo. The judges just went by the tasting that they had and which ones did poorly. On the bottom were Tre for a melted sorbet, Casey for tough chicken feet, Carla for too much noodles in a summer roll, Antonia for teaming up with Jaime on a bad bean sprout something and (surprise, surprise) Jaime for bad bean sprout something and her scallop dumpling (what a shocker she made scallops again). Her excuse at the Judges Table was that she had never worked with that kind of wrapper before, uh duh but its still a dumpling wrapper! Point is Casey got eliminated which came to a complete shock to both Jaime and myself (we had the same expression, loud gasp!)

Should she have gone? Sure but not in week 5. There are other chefs (JAIME!) that have been scathing in these challenges. Oh and not a Chef makes by doing soup and scallops all the time! If another good Chef leaves before their due time (like Jen), it's going to be no bueno!

Jersey Shore Season 3

There is no better way to start 2011 than to head back to the Joyzee Shour- fists pumping, spray tanning, muscles and poof!

There isn't a right way to start talking about this episode because it's just all over the place. The people at MTV managed to sum up the entirety of the show in just an hours time. We got awkwardness, partying, stupid people, a sexual rejection, a cuca, and a fight! So we begin at the top of the episode where in fact we started a year ago with the JS phenomenon- picking up a munchkin in Poughkeepsie named Snooki.

WAH! Snooki all decked out in her hooker boots and army dress is ready to head back to the shore because as she puts it, it is "A Gorilla Juice head Guido Heaven". Possibly the new town motto for Seaside Heights? Anyway, she has decided to surprise her housemates by inviting a new roommate, Deena. Oh, for those not keeping tabs Angelina left half way through the JS in Miami and obviously was not returning for season 3 because she's a punk! So anyway, Deena is like a Snooki clone- they both are the exact same height (technically midgets because they don't hit the 5 ft marker) and their hair is the same length... 2 little meatballs as Sammi eloquently puts it. Anyway as Snooki and Deena are leaving her house, Deena's parents go out and kiss off their daughter as she goes to the Shour. A very proud moment in their lives I'm sure, it's almost like her graduation date (had she had one). My favorite though is as the car is pulling out of the driveway Deena's mom yells, "Girl's knock'em dead"-Oh and I'm sure they won't disappoint you mom, figuratively or literally.

After that we go to pick up the sour pusses that are Ron and Sammi. I mean what can be said here, Ron is a douchbag and Sammi... Sammi is on my last nerve. Let's see how she unfolds this season (or rather later this episode). Picking up Vinny (and his shower caddy) describes this time going to the JS like a right of passage explaining how his father went to the shore, his uncles went to the shore, and now its his turn. Oh dear lord there are generations of this breed of people??!??? Picking up Jenni shows us how she's played house with Tom (the bf she cheated on during the first season with Pauly, yeah) and is unhappy. Well duh, you can't tame the JWOW beast, have you seen her tatas (that are paid in full)?!!!? Anyway, picking up Pauly is boring and so is Mike.

The first to arrive are none other then the gruesome twosome Ron and Sammi so they of course have first dibs on the bedrooms and of course the jerk offs that they are take the 3 bed room upstairs (the only room upstairs) because it's closer to the bathroom. Ummm hello, you are 2 people you take a 2 bed room! So now that means that some poor soul is going to be living up there with them and their boringness (yes, I used that word). The next to arrive is Tatas- I mean Jwow. For those who forgot Jwow and the twosome are not on speaking terms after the whole note and cat fight that happened in Miami. So of course when they see that Jwow is coming in, Ron and Sammi go upstairs and because Ron is so chivalrous he pushes his gf into their room and he goes to hide in the bathroom. A complete punk ass move!!! (Ron is also on my last nerve). Anyway, Jenni goes up and sees Sammi there and just goes, "ugh" LOVE IT! And Sammi tries to be all tough by just waving her hands and playing with her hair like she does UGH! So Vin arrives, Pauly arrives, Snooki & Co. arrive and as she's being introduced to Sammi she just goes in her pompous way "Hii (playing of the hair)" UGH! Whatever, Mike arrives and gets stuck with the twosome upstairs, sucka!

So as they are eating (and drinking) Deena asks Sammi where she's from and in her bitch attitude and playing of the hair says "Jersey" UGH (last straw!!) So at the dinner table, Deena announces herself as a "walking holiday", she must be 4th of July! So she's thanking everyone for welcoming her to the house "except for this bitch over here" and we all know who that is, Sammi, who happens to be off at the corner of the table basically eating with herself, so pathetic and like the punk that she is she gets up and walks away. Whatever!

The cool kids go to play "Flip the cup" as Deena calls it. I mean HELLO! someone should have been a friend, pulled her aside and told her it's called 'flip cup' no 'the' in the middle. She probably wouldn't have gotten it either but it would have been worth a try and felt like an active member of society by helping out the mentally incapacitated. The boring two were upstairs in their rooms talking, ignoring each other and just being lame-o's.

RYDER

Hot tub time! Vin, Snook and Dee are the culprits this time. Vin is trying to kick it to Deena and Snooki is getting jealous. Vin feels bad because Snooki is getting pissed and then we find out- VINNY SMOOSHED RYDER!!!!! What??!?? (Ryder is Snooki's best friend that came to Miami.) So Snooki tries to feel up on Vin and he denies her claiming she doesn't want to hurt her feelings if he brings another girl home tomorrow. Umm, he doesn't want to hurt Snooki's feelings?... yeah right! And he thinks he's going to bring a girl back the next day? YEAH RIGHT!!!

Deena then tells Mike to help her find her cowboy hat. In the room, she says that the hat looks good with only her bikini and so she beings to take off her dress and as she does her panties 'unknowingly' come right off too!! She begins to turn around all seductively and realizes her panties came off too and showed Mike her "nana"! Mike is completely stunned that this is happening and doesn't do anything but laugh. And we all laugh a little too.

I'm sure this is what Deena's parents thought when they sent her off to the Shour that summer.

In the last 4 minutes of the episode is where it gets hot and nasty! Here's the play-by-play:
-Mike is in his bed, where he shares his room with the boring pair, telling them about the hat story
-Deena goes in to try to snuggle with him
-Mike tells her to go to bed
-Sammi fake laughs (to instigate of course)
-Deena in her drunkie state, feels bad that Sammi is laughing at her
-Sammi laughs harder and faker
-Deena walks out and comes back in and tell Sammi that she didn't have a problem with her until now and that no one in the house likes her as she walks out the room and as she goes down the stairs she calls Sammi a cunt... YEESSSSS!!!
- Deena starts getting loud to Snooki in the kitchen about how Sammi is a complete bitch
- The whole house comes out to see what's happening
- Deena says something about Sammi cuddling with her boyfriend
-Ron jets out the room screaming at the top of his lungs, tugging at his t-shirt and holding his penis... right because that makes you tougher... he is running up to little Deena like if he were going to beat her up
- Everyone is just staring doing nothing.
- Sammi gets at it with Deena calling her a bitch blah, blah, blah or was it the other way around(?)
-Ronnie plays the bitch in this fiasco, he has his head hung low and just answers when he is suppose to
- Snooki gets involved calling Sammie a fake bitch, or was it the other way around (?)
- Ronnie then yells at Snooki and says, "At least she isn't a loser from Poughkeepsie!" (OMG!)
-Jenni quickly fires back, "At least she's not a fucking fag!" (OMG HERE IT COMES!!!)
- Sammi steps up and tell Jenni to step up because she's going to pound her
- Jenni steps up and then tells her to swing
- Sammi fakes, Jenni swings and POW!
-Fight unfolds
-Vinny gets up to try to stop it
-Sammi gets clawed in the face, there's blood!
-oh wait, where's Ronnie? SITTING ON THE FUCKING COUCH LIKE A PUNK ASS BITCH!!!

I think I have gotten enough of annoying Sammie for the whole season. She is being this completely fake and pretentious bitch and it's getting annoying. Ronnie, is being a complete punk as per usual with his nipple ring. They both need to retire because they don't add anything fun to the show... well perhaps their fights. But even then annoying!!