Hell's Kitchen Ep1

There is no right way to dissect the season premiere of Hell's Kitchen but just to dive in head first and pray for the best. As newly introduced to Hell's Kitchen, you can tell it's the cheapest and trashiest of all the cooking shows or of any show for that matter. The contestants aren't real cooks, when it seems that boiling water is such an obstacle. It's quite a shame especially since Chef Gordon Ramsey is the head master of all this. It's sad that he's had to sell himself so cheaply in America. Regardless of the fact, it is highly entertaining and who doesn't like watching other people being made a fool. Hell's Kitchen is like a car crash that you can't keep yourself from watching or better yet, that bag of oily potato chips that you really shouldn't be finishing but you do it anyway.

Firstly, for all those who are familiar with HK, Jean-Pierre got the boot (it's a recession after all and men with French accents are more expensive I guess) and in comes James. The contestants get blindfolded and sent in a car to a destination unknown to them. They are of course brought to LA Market, the restaurant that they will be Head Chef to, if they win of course. The restaurant is grandiose and very posh. Gordon gives them 45 min to go back to the HK kitchen and prepare their signature dish. The lot is divided into men and women and one by one must show their dish for Gordon to taste. There were a few notable characters, Emily- Ms. Boobalicious who was spilling out of her top and was kindly asked by Gordon to cover her "puppies", Antonia- who served Gordon a bowl of what looked like and tasted like diarrhea (I mean Gordon and everyone else gagged themselves at how horrible it tasted), Sabrina- or as Gordon has so nicely coined her 'Baby Spice' because she is a Miss Little Tude. and of course there is Raj. Raj, Raj, oh Raj, how in the world do you begin to explain Raj... I'll keep you waiting. Bottom line, the score was even by 3 and Gordon picked the men as the winning team. The punishment for the ladies was to clean up the kitchen and the men's reward was a lavish massage session with fabulous champagne.

At this time I would like to explain the entity that is Raj. Raj is a 49 year old, "personal chef", that is over weight and is missing 3/4 of his brain. He is definitely one of those kids who fell through the cracks of the American school system. Not only is he completely incompetent but has these facial expressions that match it. His smile is creepy because his mouth is so tiny his lips curl in, when he thinks his mouth acts like that of an animated character with a "Z" for a mouth. Not to mention the fact that he breathes heavily and sweats profusely. Oh wait, I almost missed the best part, he does Karate. Yes! I know, I thought he couldn't get any worse but he does (just keep on reading). Raj reminds me of that kid in grade school that was asked what 1 + 1 was by the teacher and he gave an empty stare as an answer and when he was pressured he panicked by still staring and as a kid all you wanted to do was pound his skull to the desk and yell '2 you idiot! 2!!'. Raj was that kid for sure. Have I mentioned I can't stand this man?

During that days prep, Antonia (diarrhea gumbo lady) starts having a massive headache, collapses and is sent off to the hospital. But HK opening night service continues. One member from each team is a waiter for the evening, Emily (Ms. Boobalicious) and Raj (no need to write a little nickname for him, he's just Raj). Raj, of course, is a babbling idiot and doesn't write down the orders as the guests are telling him but tries to write it down by memory, slowing down his team. Trev, a member of the blue team, can't properly dress a salad. A salad! Causing the team to slow down. Gordon, is of course yelling one of his signature catch phrases, "It's raw" to poor Melissa with the undercooked pizza dough and Boris from the blue team mimics Gordon. Now, in Boris' defense, it's very natural to mimic "It's raw" after Gordon has said it. I do it. Granted, I do it in the luxury of my living room but still it seems like an obvious slip. But holy shit did Gordon hear that and tear poor Boris a new asshole. Sabrina (Baby Spice) has her entree all ready and refuses to wait for the rest of her team to go up to the pass. Gordon obviously goes mad and calls her selfish (because she is). Raj is sent to help Boris make pizzas and Raj can't even roll out the dough and looks completely taken back by dough. Dough! There is also this turtle of a chef on the women's team, Lisa that can't cook fish. Obviously frustrated with the group of numbskull's Gordon makes them shut off the kitchen and choose two people from each team to get kicked off.

Back at the house, the guys firstly choose Raj for obvious reasons. But Raj's thinking behind it was this, "They are completely jealous of me. That's why they want me out." Ooohh how I want to crush a skull. Their second pick was Trev, for not being able to put dressing on a bunch of leaves. The women pick Lisa because she's old and go with Sabrina as their second pick. But Sabrina gets all loud and ghetto and tries to push the pick to Nona (not noteworthy yet) because she thinks fried chicken is fine dining.

The group is sent to Gordon for the elimination and of course they need to pass through the kitchen. As set decor the producers have opted to have huge pots of boiling water with smoke coming out to make it more suspenseful. But then there was Raj, who of course goes and checks in the boiling pots to see what is inside and TURNS THE STOVE OFF. I mean hello is he serious! A person can't be that plain stupid! But I guess I have been proven wrong. Ultimately, Antonia is out because she isn't well from the hospital and so is Lisa because she is old and can't cook.

I don't know what to say about this season of HK, it's sooo trashy and really not a cooking show, so why watch it? Because it is so bad, it's good.

Raj.

Blagh!

SURVIVOR: Nicaragua Ep. 3

In a turn of events SURVIVOR is getting more and more interesting. The characters have more or less started to unfold and its merely day 7. I said this season looked promising.

It's obvious that Marty doesn't like Jimmy Johnson and wants him out. Marty sees him as a threat and wants to be the man in charge. Intelligently, to build trust in his team he shows his tribe that he has found the immunity idol. This was clearly seen by all as a selfless act and got praised for it. I feel like it might have been a stupid thing to do but only time will tell.

The show quickly turns to the challenge (guess there wasn't enough drama). In this weeks challenge the teams were not only winning for immunity but also the most exciting reward thus far: fruit, spice, sauce and herb garden. The challenge consisted of pushing 10 barrels to a designated mat and once on that mat they had to prop them up on a platforms, once all barrels were propped, one person at a time had to throw a sand bag on each of the barrels. The yellow team (La Flor) had the power idol which gave them the chance to give themselves an advantage to the challenge. This advantage was to have 2 barrels already on a pedestal. Clearly, the younger team doesn't need that advantage so they pass. Once the challenge begins, the yellow squad blows through the blue squad during the barrel pushing and propping. But all of a sudden Tyrone just starts plopping those sandbags and the yellow team just falls behind. Tyrone must have tired out his arm and the young guys win.

This is where it gets interesting, as Jeff Probst gives the basket of fruit to the yellow team Ms Sassy Diva (Nay if you haven't already caught on) and KB (girl with amputated leg) both notice a clue in the basket and play coy until they get to the camp. Once at camp Ms Sassy Diva literally wrestles KB to the ground to get the clue (and mushed bananas in the process). Then walks off like nothing and is completely unapologetic. During Ms Sassy Diva's interview she said, "I got hood, not ghetto". Damn girl! I love her and hate her at the same time. I'm just really upset that all the sisters think they need to play this card. You don't! Ironically, MSD confides in Brenda and shows her the clue. Smart or stupid? I think Brenda should be smart and figure out the clue on her own and keep it away from MSD and prove a point.

Back at the retirement home (Espada) Marty starts to rally his troops to get JJ out. Some are in some are unsure. During tribal council he was the only one that admitted he was weak and I guess that's why everyone decided to vote him out. Bye Coach!

I feel next week we will get even more juicy drama from MSD herself!

SURVIVOR: Nicaragua Ep.2

This episode of SURVIVOR was a bit interesting. After only 5 days in the jungle people really started to lose it and I loved every minute of it!

In team Espada, the older tribe, Jimmy J has become a clear leader and alpha male. Many people are OK with that but of course some of the guys aren't (such a typical male attitude when another man tries to take control). But strategically, it makes sense for him to put his neck out and have him later get voted off when people get sick of him, which I think won't be long. While we are on this tribe we need to address the craziness that Holly has been demonstrating. I mean she is totally freaking out. She threw out a bunch of snails that people were eating because she said their eyes were twitching and she said that snails are not edible (clearly she hasn't heard of Escargot). Crazy! Then she decides to get Dan's alligator shoes, put sand in them and then throw it in the ocean. CRAZY! Her reasoning behind the fact that she started to freak out was because she lied to Wendy and voted her out. But lying is part of the game, you don't see the Pope on the show! (Not like he hasn't lied, I'm just saying) But my favorite quote was given by Tyrone, "I'm gonna keep one eye on her and one eye on my shoes." Indeed my friend, indeed. But of course Jimmy J gives her a pep talk and all is better. aaaahhh

In team La Flor, Naioka (our sassy black girl) went a-wall when she couldn't find her sock. She flipped out and then took Fabio's extra pair. Now when Fabio (our ditsy, Mid-Westerner blond) wanted to ask her if she has taken his socks, Nay wilded out. Poor Fabio never stood a chance. You almost feel bad for him because clearly she is a dominating force but uh uh honey you were wrong.

In the challenge, La Flor in all their cheesiness (which I can appreciate) enters with their oh so threatening stomps, to meet team Espada. The reward is a choice between fishing gear or tarp and rope. The challenge is that 4 people need to crawl under ropes across a mud pile to find 4 balls in a hay stack. Then 3 people need to toss that ball amongst each other using a shield and then ultimately tossing it in a barrel. Now the older team gets a chance to use their advantage medallion which would already give them a ball in the barrel. Of course a no brainer they opt for this option and ultimately win and chose the fishing gear.

Once back at the tribe, Espada starts looking through their fishing gear and finds a clue to the immunity idol. Unfortunately for all of them, they were all together and everyone was out to get that idol. Bottom line, the red head goes to Marty and they find the idol together.

Back to La Flor, everyone is figuring out who gets voted off first. The big bad men, led by Shannon, as usual wants to keep the strategy of getting rid of all the women first and decide on Brenda because let's face it, she's a bit of a threat. Problem is Chase (Shannon's buddy) is totally crushing on Brenda. Now Nay and Brenda are talking of getting Shannon out because he is the ring leader. So they get on the minority band wagon and more or less tie with Shannon's pose. Here is my favorite part: Enter vagina power! Brenda goes to Chase and convinces him to go against his buddy and first ally Shannon. Chase of course is torn between friend and pussy. And let's get real, you know where his vote is going for.

At the tribal council, Chase like a boy about to go to the principals office spills all the beans about him being torn. Shannon gets all upset and even pushy, showing a whole new light to him. Turning a few people off from his original ally team- not a smart thing to do before everyone goes to vote! Then Nay of course goes off on poor Fabio and again he doesn't stand a chance next to Her Sassy Diva (yes, I think that's what I'm calling her). After a tight voting, Shannon was voted off. (Oh and if you were wondering about who Chase voted for, Shannon. Vagina Power!)

Can't wait to watch next weeks episode and see how La Flor unveils itself.

Dancing with the Stars Ep3

This week on DWTS was "Story Night". "What does that mean?", you may ask well all it means that it's acceptable to use props and Glen doesn't get upset. The dance techniques this week were the Samba, Fox-trot and the Waltz. Now for all the new people, there was a little sample danced by the pros of what the judges are looking for. And guess who is that group?? None other than my favorite, sexy Russian- Dimitri!! OH EM GEE!! I was a total school girl (and if you know me, it doesn't take much!) But still I was very happy to see him. I want Dimitri back!! Ok. Now onto the performances.


Jennifer- danced the samba and with it brought back, what I like to call the lamb chop pants. It is obvious the this was a complicated routine. Not surprisingly it rocked. Score:24

Bristol- danced the fox-trot and it was so stiff. Poor Bristol she just doesn't have it. She doesn't let go and isn't having fun. I wouldn't be having fun either if I were a knocked-up teen with a one year old from Alaska with a mother that's a ti-ti-ri. Score:19

Florence- danced the waltz which seemed a bit nervous and hiccupy. Maybe it was her horrible yodeling outfit. Score:20

Kurt- danced a lovely fox-trot that I just adored. I think I'm officially in love with Kurt. He is just so charming. He may not be an excellent dancer but me love! Score: 23

Audrina- danced a nice waltz but I think I misses something. I mean it was touching but I don't know if it was an outstanding dance. Something was missing and I can't put my finger on it. But clearly the judges saw something because she got the first two 9's of the season. Score: 26

Margaret- danced the samba with a bird on her head! I mean she had a feather hat that made her 7 feet tall. I always feel like she misses in the wardrobe dept. well she didn't look that bad last week. And girlfriend, those facial expressions its just so funny. She looks constipated, frazzled, happy, nervous and then constipated again. But in the end she doesn't know how to be sexy. Score: 18

Brandy- danced a not so samba, samba. I think it was more hip-hop than samba. I didn't like it and you can tell she and Maks don't get along well at all.
Kyle- danced a waltz that was completely graceful. I'm completely sold on him. Score: 23
The Situation- danced a "modern" fox-trot. I mean I can tell he is trying really really hard but he still isn't really rocking it. But how can you blame the guy he is trying really hard Score: 20
Rick- danced a foxy samba. I mean he is pretty sexy but you can tell he is pretty up there those abs are no longer a situation.

My choice is really between Margaret and Bristol. Now, factoring the republican vote I think the Cho is out.

Results
The Situation had an encore performance, surprisingly. And Bolton was back because the English sensation Susan Boyle was sick. Blah, blah, blah it boiled down to my two bottom picks Margaret and Bristol. Margaret was out. 3/3 yay me!

The Amazing Race Ep1

If there were any reality show that I would really want to be on it would definitely be The Amazing Race. I mean Hello! You are traveling around the world in a race with an ultimate cash prize. Sold! Plus this is something I've always talked about doing with my brother so there you go. 

There are some very interesting pairs this season, note worthy are the birth mother and daughter team, the home shopping bimbos, the couple with the guy who could care less about his boo (ew!), the father/son team, the southern belle and pops team, oh and my favorite the glee guys. I'm surprised there isn't the "old couple" team but I guess because they always go out first, that would be a waste of money for CBS. 

So the teams begin their trip to England where they have to find the Stonehenge and get a clue that redirects them to a castle for their mission. The team who initially was first on the flight to England got lost on their way to Stonehenge and never really bounced back. I wonder if it was the fact that they were driving on the wrong side of the road? Anyway, they had to climb up a castle wall, get a flag, transport it through what looked like a turtle shell boat across a lake and give it to their knight. Once that was done the had a road block, which is a task that only one player from each team must perform. Upon completion they will be given their next clue. So this was the watermelon toss. The player had to load a watermelon on a huge sling shot and knock over their knight. Easy right? Unless you are this lady (the other half of the home shopping team) that got hit in the face with a watermelon.. I swear to you I was laughing uncontrollably. It's obvious that this had to have hurt like hell but it still doesn't take away from the fact that it was hilarious!!

Sadly, this is our couple, not couple, the pair that got eliminated because they don't know how to follow English directions. OY!

Next week should be good!!

Dancing with the Stars Ep2 and Results

This week on DWTS the contestants were to dance wither the Quickstep or the Jive. Both dances are very physically demanding and although they demand different kinds of energy levels they still take a toll of the performers. So with the god awfulness of The Hoff out from last week I thought the contestants would begin to excell but then there was Michael Bolton. I'll get to that in a bit.

I'm must admit I am a little dissapointed in this season of the DWTS, it's more or less expected. I mean you have your front runners: Jennifer, Kyle, Brandy. You got your potentials: Audrina, Rick, Kurt, Florence and then you have the people that are just the fillers: Florence, Michael, Margaret, Bristol and The Situation. This is so expected. I expect if everything goes as planned Michael is off this week and Margaret for week 3. I like watching it but when it comes to analyze my favorite show it becomes depressing. So I think just for this week I'll make a sigh and just talk about how horrible Michael Bolton was.

He looks happy, right? No. He came out of a dog house! I have no idea what poor Chelsea was thinking having him come out of a dog house. ADOG HOUSE!! I mean yes, OK you are preforming to Elvis' "Hound Dog" but really??? Does that mean that MB is a bitch? Then he comes out in a dalmation suit jacket. Vomit. And about 1/4 of the song is him being in this dog house. It was horrible and we didn't even get to the dancing. He was all over the place and just horrible (have I said that too many times already?). I think he may have given up half way and so did I.

As predicted he was out the next day. I think America might finally be getting it right and not letting the good ones leave so early.

So I'm 2 for 2! And I'm not cheating!!